you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
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Semen is not good for contacts.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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