I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
