OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Swine flu is the new snow day.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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