i need an iv and a liver transplant
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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