Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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