um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
