i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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