eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
