I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
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Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
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We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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