FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I can't turn off my feet"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
