I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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