What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
