I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
