My liver just broke up with me...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
