somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
