Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
