those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
