last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
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She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
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shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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