you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
