Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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