drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
