Fine. I'll sleep in my office
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
