Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
