Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
