I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
