you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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