There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
