I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
