Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
