I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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