i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
