I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
