the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
