He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Less talking, more tequila
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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