omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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