How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
please come you make the beer taste better
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
