Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
