i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
