it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He better not be in your backpack
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
