My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize