I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
