she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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