I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I am available for nakedness
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
