He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
