I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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