dude i'm inner monologue high
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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