I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
