Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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