I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
