Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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