In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
