How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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