If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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