the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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