My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
