just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
