I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
