I'm so fucking centered right now
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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