there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
